10.  Avoiding a repeat performance

Of course the time will come when you want to connect with a new partner. Women who are looking toward new relationships often worry that they’ll somehow be magnetically drawn to another man who lies and find themselves repeating the whole nightmare again.

There are no guarantees about anyone as much as we would like to think there are.

A lot of men who lie are very persuasive and skillful. But as you begin to move into new relationships, you can begin to pay special attention to a new set of warning signs that you have glossed over in the past. As you get to know a new man, ask yourself the following questions. They may not sound terribly romantic but as you know there’s nothing romantic about being deceived.

• Are there inconsistencies in what he tells you and others about his history, his work, his financial situation, and other aspects of his life?

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• Has he acknowledged that he’s been unfaithful in the past but “now it’s different“?

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• If you press him for information about something that concerns you, does he immediately find just the right thing to say without thought? Does he somehow create more time to think through a new excuse? Or does he accuse you of being too possessive or suspicious?

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• Is he evasive about giving clear answers about his current involvement with other women or his living situation?

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• If you’ve caught him an a lie already, how has he responded? Did he deny he lied, get caught lying again, or did he acknowledge it and take responsibility for his behavior? Does his explanation for why he lied sound plausible?

Myths and misconceptions

You’ll notice nowhere on this list do you see any advice about how to spot a liar through body language. How many times have you heard, for example, that you can tell someone is lying if they won’t look you straight in the eye? Unfortunately eye contact and facial expressions are very easy to control. Some liars, especially the more practiced ones, will calmly look you in the eye and tell you exactly what you want to hear.

Despite what you may have believed for years, many liars – especially those who are comfortable with deception or who have come to believe their own lies - won’t exhibit any common signs of lying such as changing voice pitch, too much smiling, fidgeting or restlessness, Flushing, perspiring, or fast breathing. As you become more aware of the real warning signs, you’ll see that men who lie reveal themselves fairly early. They’re more evasive than open, they don’t like answering questions about themselves and they offer vague, charming or implausible explanations to your question.

In the past, you may have let the strong currents of attraction carry away concerns about a man’s behavior. But with your new awareness of the causes and consequences of lying, you can slow down and look at a new relationship more carefully.

You may be disappointed to find that a man you’re attracted to is not the open person you’d hope to be. But as you know now, it’s far better to find out sooner than later. And for heaven sake don’t beat yourself up because you found yourself attracted to a charismatic and sexually competent liar.

It is no reflection on your character, intelligence, luck or ability to choose men wisely if you are attracted to a man who falls into the negative patterns you are now so familiar with. We can’t know everything about a person immediately, and many men who lie are extremely convincing in the beginning. Being attracted to a liar is no sign of regression. The crucial indicator of change in you is what you choose to do about it.

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