My experience with a liar...

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He had gone on a week long dirt biking trip in May with his buddies. He had called from Colorado and texted me often and even FaceTimed me so I could meet his friend, Noah. That night we had talked a lot about commitment and how scary that was to both of us, but how we had our own version of it -- 

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Was that all talk? I wondered. I wouldn't call and introduce my best friends to guys I wasn't into. I wouldn't share the things we talked about with someone I wasn't deeply into. I couldn't. It would be too hard to fake that for me, so he couldn't, I justified. He seemed like too good of a guy to fake all this. So why didn't he tell me about Becky or Paige? Was he too afraid of losing me? Not secure in open relationships yet? Or was he not really willing to share me with other guys, I wondered? Our talk the next day would help me sort things out, I assured myself as I drifted off to half sleep. 

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-June 12, 2022-

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It was 4am before I fell asleep. My anger was still there when I woke up, but I couldn't help but also feel closer to him now that I knew how deeply sad he was. (Therapists refer to this as trauma bonding.)

 

He woke up entirely aware of what happened the night before. He apologized as soon as he opened his red, darkly circled eyes. 

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"I hate that I almost lost you because I did something dumb while I was drunk. I was texting Nurse Becky drunk from the party bus. I never even bought a bottle of wine like I told her I did. We had only matched a few days ago. If you want to see if she'll meet up with us, we can, if you think she's cute.  And I was too flirtatious with Paige too. I'm sorry. I will never hide something from you again." he said sincerely. 

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I told him I understood the feeling of fucking everything up. That I had empathy for that. That therapy can help you manage the anxiety and depression that can come with the feeling of fucking everything up. But the feeling didn't just go away on its own. It needed to be dealt with. 

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 I read him what I had written while he slept next to me: 

 

"This is hard because I love you and I know you love me. But even though you love me, I now feel stupid for trusting you with my heart and my love.

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.....For some reason You can brag to your guy friends about how great you have it with me, but when it comes to other women — if I’m going to trust you in the future, I need you to be just as excited about us when you talk to them.

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You haven’t slept with Paige yet (or so you say.)

You will have an opportunity to sleep with her this weekend.

I could ask you not to go but that would be a control move and I don’t want to be like that.

I could invite someone over here and try to make you worry just as much as I know I’ll worry. But that won’t repair our relationship. It will only pile hurt on top of hurt.

 

I don’t need our relationship to be perfect.

I don’t even need it to be great all the time. I need it to be great a majority of the time, but I’m willing to work through hard times with someone who is also willing to work through them with me and make genuine repairs.

 

I’m gonna fuck up in the future —

You’re gonna fuck up again too —

That’s the reality of being human and being in a relationship.

It’s how we handle those difficult days that will make or break us. 

 

My ideal relationship is monogamous but we sleep with people together. Both partners feel mostly confident in themselves and very confident in what we’ve created together. Sure everyone has insecurities. I don’t mean that we won’t have them. But even with insecurities my ideal partner will deal with them in a healthy way and help me deal with mine.

 

Ways I can feel less anxious while you’re with Paige this weekend…..

• Stop drinking so much to punish yourself and escape yourself

• Show me a screenshot of a text to Paige that you come up with that allows her to know you’re in something special

• Go to therapy to prove you want to learn to respect yourself and grow 

• Come up with ways to repair things with me on your own

• BE HONEST even if its hard - tell me the truth about how you feel about Paige" 

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He agreed he only bragged about me to his guy friends and it wasn't fair.  He said he'd tell tell the girls this weekend all about me. He said he'd stop drinking so much and he'd stop trying to punish himself, because, it was only making things worse.

He agreed to work on ways of making sure he helped reduce my anxiety while he was away, like phone calls and check ins, and said he'd be honest even when things were hard. 

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"I promise you I will not sleep with her," he said, looking me straight in the eye as the morning sun came in my bedroom. 

"I love you, and I don't want to lose you." 

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"What's your ideal relationship structure? You know mine, but what do you really want?" I asked. 

 

"Same as you. To be with you but we sleep with other people together. And we always check in on hard limits, because they can change. We want the same things, Jess. I think we have such a good thing. I don't want to fuck it up. I'd be devastated if I lost you." 

 

"Well don't make me feel stupid for loving you," I said with anger still in my voice. "Don't hide stuff from me. Be willing to have a hard conversation because you know we can talk through anything." 

 

"We can, and I'm so glad." he said sweetly as he leaned in to kiss me. 

 

Makeup sex with him proved to be even hotter than regular sex. The anger mixed with the dopamine and oxytocin cocktail in my brain for the hottest, wettest multi-round sex we had yet. He left late for the Cardinal's game he was going to with his family and he lingered when he kissed me. His gratitude for our ability to deal with things stuck to my lips and forehead as he kissed them both longer than usual. 

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He texted me the whole game complaining about the heat and family dynamic. He hated family functions. We both did really. Being independent in Madison felt great because he said he had so few family obligations to attend. We both believed that obligation was the root of resentment.  

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"I'm not gonna make it out shopping tomorrow for your Hey Dudes, so maybe Amazon?" I said and sent him a link to the shoes he had wanted me to grab for him. I was still testing positive for Covid and didn't want to go out to a crowded mall or baseball game, like he was. 

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"Maybe I could come over in a bit?" he asked when the game ended.

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"Of course. I'd love it." I said.

We didn't talk about our fight from the night before when he got home to me, but instead basked in the glow of more makeup sex and FX's Justified, our favorite show to watch together.  

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'We will never get through this episode," he said with a laugh.

We had to restart it four times after I kept getting dick-stracted by his hard cock. 

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-June 13, 2022- 

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The next morning I woke him up with a Russian orgy on porn hub. As his first alarm went off (he usually snoozed it four times) I turned the volume up and let the womens' moans float into his ear drum to stir him awake.  He rolled over and stuck two fingers inside me. 

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"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. So wet." he said as he pulled me on top of him. "I think it's leg day," he said with a smile. 

That meant to get on my feet and cock squat him till my legs gave out. Then he flipped me over and fucked me in doggy until he collapsed on my back, sweaty and panting. 

 

"God I love fucking you every morning. It's the best way to start everyday," he said. "I might have to work on my boat super late tonight, so I'll likely sleep at my parents'. I have only three days till I leave. I may not get to fuck you tomorrow morning and I hate that." 

 

"Well you could meet me at lunch tomorrow for a shopping trip and fuck me in the dressing room." I said. "It'll be my first time outta the house since June 8th since a positive Covid diagnosis, and I couldn't think of a better way to be re-introduced into the population," I said. 

 

"That sounds like a perfect lunch hour," he said. "Let's plan on it."  

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"You came so much in my ass last night. It just came spilling out and I had to change pants," I texted him.  

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"It was a lot! I love fucking your ass when you lean back! Feeling your butt cheeks on my body," he said. 

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He stayed at his parents' that night after working on the boat for hours and I texted him pics of a potential unicorn. We agreed to not chase that one, we were both excited about the couple we were trying to reschedule a date with. I was having BV symptoms again though so we needed to push them off until after he got back from his boating weekend that was still giving me anxiety. I blamed the BV on all the makeup sex we had had -- but now I can't help but assume the BV kept coming back because he was fucking someone else here in St. Louis when he told me he was at "work happy hours" or "working on the boat".   

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I had decided to pack him condoms for the weekend boat trip. He's horny as fuck. He was used to 2-3 orgasms a day now - minimum - I told myself.  I had wondered if he was fucking others since he had moved home, but now that I knew he was texting girls from Tinder he didn't tell me about and telling other girls he wanted his arms around them, I had a feeling there was more going on than Drew lead on.

 

I had looked Paige up the night I saw he was first texting her, and I wanted to fuck her -  so no doubt he did, even if he did tell me he didn't fuck with people with kids. She's gorgeous. If that girl gave him even a remote chance, I needed him to understand that protecting her from my BV was important.

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-June 14, 2022-

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He said he got closer to finishing on his boat the night before and after we both finished our morning meetings, mine zoom and his in person, we met at DICK's where he tried on new golf shorts. My first time out of the house in over a week and I was thrilled I'd be getting a semi-public orgasm. 

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"Another first," we both said in unison as we high fived and walked out with his purchase. Neither of us had fucked in a dressing room before. We grabbed lunch to go to take back to my place because he decided to skip the office the remainder of the day and work on the boat. I wasn't sure how he pulled that off with his bosses breathing down his neck like he claimed they did, but I didn't question it. 

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"I need a nap too, and since I didn't get to wake up to you this morning, maybe I can wake you up with an orgasm?"  I loved how horny he always was for me and how willing to please me he still was after almost a year of fucking each other. 

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"You sure can, as long as you just fuck my asshole. I need to give pussy a break so she can fully heal for when you get back."I reminded him.  

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After a nap and more epic anal drilling he left to go work on his boat. I texted him at 8:51pm when I got yet another positive Covid test back. I knew that wouldn't stop him from going on his trip, but I wanted him to be aware that he was potentially putting his friends at risk for transmission if I was still testing positive. 

 

He came back home that night after working on the boat around 10p. He was exhausted, and I could feel his stress. I knew it wasn't the time to give him the condoms and the lecture along with them. 

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-June 15, 2022-

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After a standard Rew wake up complete with a threesome video while he got his ass eaten, he packed his things for work and the weekend trip. He'd be leaving that evening after work for the lake and now was the time to give him the condoms and the twenty sixth lecture about sexual health.  

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I walked him to his car with a handful of flavored condoms.  

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"These are for your weekend," I said as I dropped the condoms into his bag.  "I want you to enjoy yourself, but if you fuck Paige you need to use condoms to protect her from my BV. And a reminder that you need to always ask other partners if they have the HPV vaccine because I don't want to give that away either. And condoms aren't fully effective against HPV.  I'm still not fully vaxxed for it so please protect me if you sleep with her." I begged. 

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"I'm not going to have sex with her. She's just a friend," he reassured me as he reached up and grabbed my chin to pull me in for a sweet goodbye kiss.  

___________ 

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This is why long distance relationships are so appealing for liars. They can get away with lying so much easier when they're miles away from their partner than when they're in the same room.  He could have had hundreds of partners when he was living in Madison and I'd never know. But he was forced to lie to my face all the time when he lived with me. He had to be a really fucking good liar. 

 

When he was living far away, the lies came over text or sometimes phone, and it was easier to keep track of them. He could easily refer to a text with his latest bullshit and stick to it. 

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Drew now had to lie to my face all the time because we were together so often -- and he did it very well. He had practiced looks of concern, sweet romantic gestures, soft touches, and lots of ways to make me feel special while he was lying to me. 

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Reminders: 

- Long distance with a liar = anything more than a mile away (they can cheat on you from anywhere).

- But living with a liar doesn't mean you're safe from their lies. They just have to manage you and their lies better. 

- Just because someone works hard to try to seem good, does not mean they are good. 

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"When Your Lover is a Liar" says that: 

 

"Sociopaths lie chronically and repetitively about the past, the present, and the future. Because lying is an addiction for them - their most intense high.

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"He speaks words of love that sound fabulous, and he seems completely devoted to making you happy. He’s calm, not shifty, and confident, never anxious or guilty. If he makes a blunder, he sounds sincerely sorry, and his promises are just what you want to hear.

 

It's the breaks in the façade that begin to feel frightening. That love of excitement that makes him so much fun, so much more alive than the dull run-of-the-mill men  reveals itself to be an impulsive streak that leads to him act without thinking.

 

The sociopath has big missing pieces inside of him, yet as we have said, he may be the best and most romantic lover you’ve ever had. But despite his charm and the odor of excitement and drama that often surrounds him, he is incapable of real love. He acts with no concern for anyone or anything but his own gratification. He lies for the kick of it. You are not a person but an object to him. A means to an end."

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____________

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"Reminder. Boat insurance." I texted him right after he pulled out of my driveway for the next few days. 

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"Yes, thank you!" he said. 

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"It's a pleasure to be your sex-retary" I joked. But I was his secretary basically. He asked me to look into the best gas credit cards for him, he asked me to look into ordering custom boat decals, he asked me to work on ways to get him a new adderall Rx when he ran out. I was a means to so many ends for him. 

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"You're the best ever!" he responded to my sex-retary joke. 

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"I adore the hell outta you rew!" I reminded him. 

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"You're amazing," he said.  "I miss you already...I promise you I'll be a good guy to you... I would be devastated if I ever lost you...you're the best thing that has ever happened to me. So much stress goes away when I pull in your driveway. You're the best in my life." 

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I sighed, relieved. He knew just the right thing to say to put me at ease. 

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Later that day I sent him a pic of a school girl costume I bought to wear for him when he got back. 

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"Ayeeeeeeeeee! I love it!" he said.

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"When you get back you'll be greeted by a very wet school girl. Potentially one you can hog tie." I said. 

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The night before he left he had given me a beautiful bondage set. The first and only gift he'd ever given me.  It was a thick, black leather harnesses with soft, fluffy red fur. There was a matching paddle, a flogger, a ball gag, a leash, ankle and wrist straps to go with it.  It would be perfect to greet him with when he came home from a long weekend where he claimed to have done all the work. 

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