My experience with a liar...

Paige messaged me shortly after that and said he told her he had texted me to say we were done, but she had no idea what to believe. The night before, they had talked about having kids and he said he didn't want kids, but if it was with her he would want one. 

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That led me to ask how long they'd been together. Clearly it had to be a while if he was talking about having kids with her. 

She said they first met in April at a bar in Nashville and had hit it off. The first time they had sex was at Table Rock Lake in mid-June, and obviously again this past weekend. Pieces started to fall in place. 

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She said he had told her he was in love with her the night before I threw everything on her, and they had talked marriage too, not just kids. I laughed. They had only been in each other's presence a total of a week and they were talking marriage and kids. 

 

Early in a relationship, telling a new partner you want kids is one thing. But saying you don't want kids, yet you'd have one with her specifically is a manipulative move. It's called 'future faking' or 'love bombing'. 

 

"Future faking is when someone uses a detailed vision of the future to facilitate the bonding and connection in a romantic relationship," Greg Kushnick, PsyD. "It's generally something narcissists do. It's their way of getting your attention and admiration." 

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"Many narcissists are very impulsive when it comes to having romantic feelings. And in that impulsivity, they promise someone the world." That said, narcissism exists on a spectrum. People who fall into the "malignant narcissist" category can have premeditated motives, explained Dr. Kushnick. So you can't assume the other person is acting maliciously and trying to fool you; "They actually believe what they're saying to you to be true during the initial courting period. Until they don't," said Dr. Kushnick.  

 

The narcissistic partner might express that something about your relationship or meeting is mystical. "They talk about the bewitchment of a relationship and might say that they've never had anything like this before," said Sokal. "They paint a Norman Rockwell image without reality."

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From what I knew of Drew now, he had likely asked her a ton of deeply personal questions that seemed caring and were used to bond early on. He'd find things that they had in common and tell her how similar they were. He'd ask about her deepest sexual fantasies and her personal goals and dreams and in three short months he had likely discovered what made her tick -- then he told her everything she wanted to hear. 

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She was a single mom from Nashville, which meant she was likely very traditional and wanted a new baby daddy for her daughter, Bailee. My heart broke for her. He was a real piece of shit for being this dishonest with someone who wanted monogamy -- and with a child in the picture too.

 

The Drew I knew was not monogamous. He loved the freedom of newly discovered open relationships, he had said. He got off on talking about fucking and searching for other people to fuck with me.  All his fantasies were non-monogamous. He loved the fact that I was willing to make all of those non-monogamous fantasies come true, we just had to find the right people to help fulfill them.  But most of all, he loved the ability to fuck other people without guilt, because clearly he had been doing so for a while and he showed no remorse for it. The thing he sucked at was honesty and open communication. And that doesn't bode well for monogamy or open relationships. 

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He was someone she could have seen herself with she said. He had promised to do work around her house if she made him a list, he wanted to take her traveling and promised to buy her her dream car. I had to laugh. She wanted to be taken care of. And he promised her he would.  At the same time, he was telling me how much he loved my independence and being equal partners, and how much he loved being cared for by me. He truly would say anything he had to to keep us coming back to him. 

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I then told her about finding the texts with Nurse Becky back in mid-June when I had also discovered her. I was sure he had been fucking others now. Paige and I were not his only ones if I found two partners within 2 minutes of having his phone. 

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That led us to collectively freak out about our sexual health. She had had BV two weeks ago after sleeping with him the first time. I told her about my persistent BV and yeast infections since being with him.  In February Drew and I had gotten chlamydia, I said. Not to mention my HSV and my recent HPV.  I didn't mention that Drew had HSV-1 at that point. I wasn't sure if he had told her, but we agreed it was a good idea for us both to get tested. We had no idea how many others there were besides us. 

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She had confronted Drew after she and I had made these first discoveries, and he lied his ass off to try to keep her happy wherever he could. But he finally realized I was sharing everything with her. By the end of their weekend together, she had read all of our messages off his phone (I wondered if he had a chance to delete any of them before she read certain ones, and if he had deleted all convos with other partners we hadn't discovered yet).  She told me she knew I was the only one being honest with her after having read our messages. But -- she hedged -- he had told her he was in love with her and he would never speak to me again.

 

Of course he had. He was doing everything he could to salvage things with the person he knew he still might have a chance of manipulating into being with him. If he just said the right thing -- he likely believed he could get her back. 

 

He knew from my final text to him that his time with me was up - I now knew who he really was - and he knew that dishonesty was a dealbreaker for me. He knew I was done with him - but he pulled yet another master manipulator move and told her HE was done with me.  I laughed again. 

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In an attempt to win her back that weekend he got busted, he had also tried to tell her that it was "just sex with Jess". But that was hard to believe now that she had read all our messages discussing our relationship agreement, our love for each other, our desire to be together "for years and years".  It disgusted her to learn that we had been together nearly every day since the day he had met her. 

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He also told her he had deleted all of his dating apps.

We still had an active Club Foreplay account so I sent her a pic of our profile. She became worried when she saw we were looking for other bi guys. I then divulged the sexual history he failed to share with her.  He had given blow jobs and been given blow jobs by other men.  He was a swinger before he met me. And -- I added -- he was still on Hinge and Tinder since we were looking for unicorns and couples to fuck together.  I went to my Hinge app. His profile was still active even though he had told her he had deleted them. What a fucking terrible liar. I sent her a video of my scrolling through his profile so she could see it was active still. 

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She wasn't into that lifestyle and she told him she never would be, but she felt like he had been grooming her for it. 

I considered that his plan might be to groom her to be on board with open relationships, then tell her about me as if I was a secondary partner. 

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She was livid -- about him not protecting her sexual health, about the make up comment, and about the timing of all of this.
 

Faith had indeed had a very difficult past with men as Drew had explained to me when he tried to justify his wanting to comfort her back in June when I'd found his text counting down the days until he had her in his arms.  She had been married to Bailee's dad at one time, and on the worst day of her life (exactly three years ago on July 4th weekend) she had been attacked and almost killed. A few months later, her husband left her for the nurse that cared for her while she was recovering from her near death experience in the ER.

 

Drew had told her he wanted to comfort her that weekend and help her through all of it. 

And then he pulls this shit on her after knowing what she's been through? 

Now I was really livid. What a fucking joke of a human.  

 

Clearly this con-artist targets women with difficult pasts, I explained to her. I had been through two divorces, my father's death, my mother's cancer. He found women with deep scars and big hearts who were trying to push forward beyond their trauma and he played on their fragile emotional state - he told them exactly what they wanted to hear. Worst of all -- he lied to them and put their sexual health at risk.  

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I had no idea what else he was capable of. I needed to protect myself from this predator whose baby I may or may not be carrying. 

He'd be coming back to St. Louis on Monday night and at Faith's request I had texted him asking if he'd come over when he got back. She wanted to see if he'd respond to me after saying he'd never speak to me again now that she was no longer with him and his friends at the AirBnB. 

 

I didn't really want to see him. His face would make me vomit. But I still had a lot of his stuff here. So I used that as a reason for reaching out to him. I asked if he wanted to talk and come get his stuff. Faith wanted to catch him in more of his bullshit. I had zero desire to patch things up with him so I was willing to help. 

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But what if he really followed through with my request to come over, I thought? What would a man who had lost everything be capable of?  He was a belligerent drunk, so I knew he had deep seated anger that could come out when his inhibitions were low. What if he came over and things got heated and he beat the shit out of the woman who ruined his beloved boating weekend and his chances with his side chick? Oh --  and who was also potentially pregnant with his unwanted child? 

 

I shook with terror. I had been angry with him just 24 hours before, but now I was angry and terrified of the man I had spent the last year with. He had my Amazon password, my hulu password, my Gmail password. That meant he had access to my credit cards and Google Pay and PayPal.

 

I thought back over the past year and all the things I had bought for him. The weed I had given him and he had said he'd pay me for, the things I bought for him and he never paid me back for, the food, the gas money I gave him after our trip to Arkansas after he whined about his friends not paying.  I had likely spent over $2500 on this fuck face. He had conned me into giving him most of it by making me feel sorry for him. He had used me and emotionally abused me. 

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Which meant he may be capable of financial or physical abuse.  I quickly changed all my passwords before he thought to go on a revenge shopping spree. I regretted inviting him over to my place to talk.

 

I never locked the doors to my house, but now I dead bolted all of them, and used a baseball bat to secure the sliding door to my bedroom. I had guns my dad had left me when he passed away. I put one in every room, easily accessible by every door and one under my bed. I ordered a security camera system, but it wouldn't arrive until Wednesday. 

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- Monday, July 4, 2022 - 

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I blocked Drew on all social media. He didn't deserve access to my life anymore. I wondered if he would learn anything from this? 

The only way to make the kind of changes Drew needed to make in order to overcome his impulsive need to lie and people please was to do the work. All of it. That meant therapy.  There was no way he'd go to therapy on his own volition. So I reached out to the one person who likely could make it happen -- Drew's mom.  

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I had never met her or Drew's dad. Drew wasn't close to them emotionally since he had spent his life lying to them about who he really was. He had played the part of the good little Catholic boy for eighteen years, and when he went off to college and got his first whiff of independence, he never wanted to go back to the stuffy, hot prison his dad, he called Hitler, was warden of. 

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I found his mom on Facebook and I told her in a paragraph what had just occurred that weekend.  Drew would be coming back from the lake in a foul mood, and she'd be seeing a lot more of him because he was no longer welcome at my house. He had been caught cheating and living a double life on two ladies that genuinely cared about him (or the version of himself presented to each of us). I didn't tell her that he had only been in Faith's physical presence for less than a week. I should have, so she could understand the predatory nature of her son's behavior. 

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I explained that a man who treated two women like shit didn't really love himself. I had learned over the course of the past year with him that he had some deep insecurities and a lot of inner self hatred. I explained I was writing to her out of concern for her son's mental health, because I was worried he may hurt himself (or someone else) with his impulsive behavior. He often drank to black out, and since we had been together I had been adamant that he call me anytime he needed a designated driver.  Now that he was heart broken, had lost both of us, and was likely very angry at himself, I was concerned he'd hurt himself or someone else in a drunken stupor. 

 

"Drew just wants to be loved," I said to his mother. "But he went about it in a very destructive and predatory way."

I then asked if she could keep that between us -- because Drew deeply feared his dad's wrath. Part of his self hatred was due to his feeling like he constantly disappointed his father.  Therapy would be really beneficial for him I said. 

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She said she was saddened by my message and the thought that her son hated himself so much. She would need to talk to his father about all this. She had to. 

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- Tuesday, July 5, 2022 - 

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4:38am - Drew texted to ask if I was off that day to get together to discuss 'some things'. 

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I didn't respond. I didn't want to see him. 

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10:34am - Drew texted to ask if lunch would work as a time to talk. 

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I didn't respond. 

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5:30pm - I was lying in bed watching TV with my dog when Drew arrived, unannounced at my bedroom sliding glass door. 

He didn't knock, and tried opening the door hastily and without invitation. My heart rate shot up immediately. The nerve of him to think he could enter my house without permission.  When his efforts were thwarted by a Louisville Slugger he dropped his hands to his side and his shoulders slumped. He looked at me, incredulously. 

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Instead of concrete, my limbs felt filled with fire. I sat up, still in bed, not caring that I was completely naked and flipped him off for a full ten seconds before I rolled over to the edge of the bed and grabbed my 9MM. He didn't see what I grabbed, and I made it to the door and pulled it open two inches until it hit the bat, but it was enough for the barrel to stick through the opening. I pointed it at his balls and I thought I saw them shrivel under his gray Calvin Kleins.  I was three feet away, I wouldn't miss them. 

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He looked greasy for the first time to me. The pock marks leftover from his teenage acne on his cheeks looked deeper than ever. 

His eyes looked dead and his mouth was turned down into a frown that made him look aged and homely.  He had lost his sparkle to me - completely.  

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His hands shot up and his eyebrows raised. 

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"Whoa whoa whoa," he said. "I'm not a bad guy.  You know I'd never hurt a fly," he said softly. 

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My mouth twisted and an anger flared inside me that I had never felt before, my finger shifted onto the trigger. "Oh so you did this to us both out of the goodness of your heart?" I asked, my voice still raspy from the bronchitis. 

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"You've lied about so much that I don't even know who you are!" I said through my teeth with my head pressed against the door. My finger on the trigger pulsed. It was the only part of my body I was aware of in that moment, even though I was standing there entirely naked holding a gun to a man's balls. I processed the possibility that I'd go to jail if I shot him in the balls. I likely wouldn't kill him, and he came over uninvited and unannounced, he was trespassing. There were texts between us showing I was potentially pregnant, an abrupt break up, I was sure I could get away with it as self defense.  

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His shoulders slumped more and he frowned harder to make it look like he was about to cry.  I wouldn't buy his bullshit this time. I knew he'd try to get me to feel sorry for him. That was his best trick but not his only trick. 

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"Jess, I'm sorry. I took you and our love for granted."

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"Jess - just tell me what I have to say," he continued. There it was. His desire to say just the right thing, but he didn't have it this time. 

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"I know I can't win you back, but tell me what I have to say to put your mind at ease," he finished, likely hoping I'd correct him and say he could win me back if he just ----- " 

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But I didn't. He was right. He had a fucking gun pointed at his nuts, he sure as fuck was not going to win me back after all that I knew now. 

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"I can't believe a word you tell me Drew. Do you understand that?" I said with a patronizing glare, like I was talking to a five year old. 

"You're clearly fucking stupid," I continued, fuming. "so let me explain. When you lie to someone over and over again and they catch you, you lose their trust. They can no longer believe what you tell them." 

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"I know, Jess. I'm so sorry. Will you put the gun down so we can talk." 

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It was hard to get the truth when a gun was pointed at you. Obviously he was going to say what he thought I wanted to hear more now than ever. I lowered the gun and shut the door. I walked over to my closet and pulled on shorts and a tank top.  But before I walked outside I grabbed the gun and put it in my shorts so it would be close by if he tried to touch me. 

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I walked out onto the deck and leaned against the door. He was not allowed to step foot inside my sanctuary - ever again. 

 

"Ok. Talk." I said. 

 

"You blocked me on everything..." he said appearing saddened.  

"You don't get access to me or my life anymore." I replied.  
 

"I realize now I could have had everything I wanted. I could have been with both of you, and I should have told you the truth. If I could, I would do it all differently, Jess. I'm not a bad person. I'm just a liar." 

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I laughed hysterically. Classic minimizing behavior, I thought. Just a liar. 

He clearly didn't take into consideration the fact that Faith didn't want to be in an open relationship. But he likely didn't know that I knew that.  He looked terrified at my amusement. 

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"You're a fucking liar who put my health and Paige's health at risk, after all the lectures I gave you on sexual health and how important it was to me. You're an asshole. No wonder I had a fucking itchy pussy the whole time I was with you." 

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He hung his head, unable to look me in the eye. 

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"How many others were there other than Nurse Becky and Nurse Paige?" I asked. 

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His head lifted and he threw his shoulders back defensively, "None! I promise." he said with earnest eyes. But I didn't believe him anymore. I had fallen for it too many times. 

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"Bullshit" I said "I don't believe your promises anymore. None of them meant anything. Do you understand that? 

And you didn't even tell Paige you had herpes!!" I shouted at him. I didn't know that for sure, but I assumed he didn't have the balls to tell her that. 

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"I know," he said confirming my suspicions. 

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"That not only makes you a bad person but a bad partner," I told him. I didn't give him a chance to say another useless "I know" and continued, furious. 

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"And yet you say you want to marry her. And have kids with her, but you can't be honest with her...." 

 

"She told you that?" he said, shocked.  

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"She told me quite a bit."

 

"Why couldn't you just be happy for me, Jess? Why did you have to tell her so much?"

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"I could have been happy for you if you had been honest with me, but now I'm so angry because you made me feel stupid for loving you.  You told her it was just sex with me to try to make her feel safe with you and to win her over this weekend after she found out about me. That's all you know how to do is to lie to get what you want. You don't care about your partners. You've proved that.  All you care about is pussy and looking like a good guy, you don't care if you actually are a good guy."

 

I paused to breathe. "The truth was all I ever wanted from you," I said much softer. 

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"I know Jess. And it wasn't just sex with you. I love you. I raced over here after work everyday to be with you, to help you in any way I could. You mean so much to me. I fucked up. I always fuck everything good up." 

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"Why didn't you just tell me about her, then I could have another partner too." 

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"I didn't want you to have another partner. I was selfish. I was scared I'd lose you. And now I've lost you both." he looked at me with his lips pursed, like he was trying not to cry - or to cry, I couldn't tell. 

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There he goes again, wanting me to feel sorry for him, I thought. But my emotions were steel against his bullshit now. 

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"I told you not to make me feel stupid for loving you. But you thought you were smarter than me.  You should have known not to fuck with smart women. Now I'm going to burn your world down." 

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His lips trembled. "Wha-what are you going to do to me?" he stammered. 

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"I'm not sure, but I'm sure it'll be something good," I said (like telling the world the truth about who you really are?)

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"Do you want me to leave?" he asked. 

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"No I want you to stay for dinner and a fuck," I said sarcastically. "Yes I want you to leave and never come back." 

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"Can I have my stuff then? he asked. 

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"I donated all of it to Goodwill." I said, unable to hide my amusement. 

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"Donated it? Why did you do that?" 

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"I could ask you the same thing... but I think the answer is - we both wanted to." 

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I took a deep breath and bellowed at him, "Get the fuck out of my life, I never want to see your face again, Drew." 

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His eyes filled with tears and his lips quivered. He took one last look at me and turned to go down the stairs. 

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---- 

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I breathed a sigh of relief. I was free of that monster. 

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But he wasn't done with Paige yet. 

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The part he played now had to shift. Drew knew that to get Paige back he had to become what she wanted. He had to hide the swinger part of himself away and now he had to resign himself to play the traditional, monogamous and doting step dad (and future dad) if he was going to salvage something with her. 

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I imagine that ending scene in Ususal Suspects where Kevin Spacey goes from limp to swagger in a matter of ten steps. 

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As Drew walked down my steps and out of my life, he transformed himself from a sex crazed swinger to a step dad in seconds. 

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