6. The forgiveness trap

"At this point you may be wondering, why can’t I just forgive him and get on with my life?

 

Forgiveness is tricky, and I think we should take a look at it. As you’ll find, I have some strong ideas that may fly in the face of many things you’ve been taught. Forgiveness in response to injury has become almost a mandate, and some people may tell you don’t confront just forgive but I found that forgiveness without confrontation is usually empty, and it’s often the result of intense pressure.

 

If your partner is contrite and begging for your forgiveness, it’s difficult not to give into his fervent request for absolution.

 

“Please forgive me“ he may plead. “It will never happen again. I could never hurt you that way again.“ It’s hard to resist the delicious fantasy that everything will be wonderful, he’ll never lie to you again, and the two of you walk off into the sunset together once you forgive him.

 

But reality doesn’t work that way. You may feel better in the short term if you forgive him immediately, but the intense pain of his deceptions will still be damned up inside you. The concept of forgiveness, especially when it hasn’t been earned by the person who is injured you, often contains this sub text - "if you forgive me, then we both pretend that what I did wasn’t so bad.“ -

 

Or even more troubling “can you just forgive and forget?“ Which really means “let’s pretend it never happened.“

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Excerpt from When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal.​

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Do not fall into the other trap of settling for a 'less than liar.'

It doesn't matter that they're less horrible than your shitty ex who treated you worse than trash. Lying to you repeatedly means they don't respect you and don't think you can handle the truth.  The lies likely won't end until they put in the difficult  psychological work needed to get out of the lying cycle. 

 

You don't think you can, but you can start over. 

You can find a partner that doesn't lie. 

You can be in a healthy relationship with someone who values honesty as much as you do.