2. The lies we tell ourselves
"When your partner is a liar, you and he have a lot in common - you’re both lying to you. None of us wants to face the fact that a partner is lying to us so most of us resort to the very same defenses our lying lovers use, and for surprisingly similar reasons. He uses denial to keep the truth from you. You use denial to keep the truth from yourself as well. When his lies are discovered, he rationalizes to justify his lying and so do you. In the name of love, trust, saving the relationship, and a dozen other wonderful sounding ideals, you may quietly provide the signals that let your partner know the lying can continue.
Denial is the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil way of avoiding facts that may be deeply troubling. We frequently ignore clear evidence, deflect the truth, and find ways to block out all the voices that warn us some thing is wrong.
Self Lie #1 - He’d never lie to me
Many women believe that because she is in an intimate relationship she knows her partner well. She’s convinced that there’s no way he could lie, and if she does catch him in a lie, he has a very ready justification or rationalization for it.
If you were basically honest, especially about the important things, you will tend to project those qualities on to other people and assume that they are going to be honest to a similar degree as you. Some of us can’t comprehend using another person or lying to them repeatedly especially if we say we love them.
Self lie #2 - Maybe he’s lied to other women, but he won’t lie to me
A woman who is involved with a man with a partner is automatically involved with a man who lies – it’s built into the situation because he is most certainly lying to his other partner or more likely, both partners. When there is wonderful, passionate, exciting sex it can easily obscure other facets of the relationship. But great sex does not always equal fidelity. Most women equate lovemaking with love. But contrary to what most women would like to believe, for some men there’s little correlation between the two.
Men will often lie to their paramour and lead her to believe that their current partner or wife is a bitch or crazy. They will often lead you to believe that anyone would’ve turned to other women with what she put him through.
Reality check: if your partner lies to his wife or other partners, chances are pretty good that he’s lying to you as well.
When denial can no longer hold and we finally have to admit to ourselves that we’ve been lied to, we search frantically for ways to keep it from disrupting our lives. So we rationalize, we find good reasons for his lying just as he almost always accompanies his confessions with good reasons for his lies. We make excuses for him. The lying wasn’t significant / everyone lies / he’s only human / I have no right to judge him.
Allowing lies to register in our consciousness means having to make room for any number of frightening possibilities
• He’s not the man I thought he was.
• The relationship is spun out of control
• The relationship may be over
Most women will do almost anything to avoid having to face these truths. Even if we yell and scream at him and we discover that he’s lied to us, once the dust settles most of us will opt for the comforting territory of rationalization. In fact many of us are willing to rewire our senses, short circuit our instincts and intelligence and accept the seductive comfort of self delusion.
Self lie #3 - Yes he lies but he loves me and that’s all that matters
Many women are so hungry for love and emotional security that they forget how love is supposed to feel and sometimes the words “I love you” can be a lie as well. That reality becomes very clear when we look at how easy it is for some women to overvalue the words “I love you” when their partners are acting anything but loving.
-Defining Love -
Love has dozens of meanings, depending on who is describing it. It’s a combination of subjective feelings of pleasure and another’s company, attraction, need, desire and sexual passion. Feelings must also translate to a way of treating the other person to actively nurturing the partners emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. Love doesn’t make you feel stupid and enraged and tricked. Without loving behavior love becomes an empty word used far too often by men who lie to assuage their partner’s anger or suspicions.
Reality check: Love is a verb not a noun. It is active. Love is not just feelings of passion and romance. It is behavior. If a man lies to you he’s behaving badly and not lovingly toward you. He’s disrespecting you and your relationship. The words “I love you” are not enough to make up for that.
Self lie #4 Yes he lies but he’s a victim of circumstances
The poor guy! He only lies because he had a terrible childhood / no real attachment to his parents / his ex was crazy / their relationship was sexless / or it was only about sex / his boss is a jerk and he’s under terrible pressure at work / his ex is still making his life miserable. Of course he lies! Who wouldn’t with that many problems.
What are you just read is a litany of misplaced compassion. In the name of empathy it’s easy for many women to open their hearts and gloss over repeated lying even when it is profoundly damaging to them or others. Coached by a man who lies, they can detail the traumas and pressures both old and current that he’s under and work around them to justify his lies. Compassion is wonderful, and so is being supportive, but turning those qualities into the stuff of self delusion is destructive.
For some women there’s nothing more satisfying than being a supportive partner to a man who’s had a hard time in his life and is struggling, especially if they’ve had a difficult childhood, adolescence, or romantic involvements themselves.
Reality check: many people have tough childhoods and relationships and they don’t lie repeatedly. Lying to you won’t change his childhood and constantly forgiving him won’t change yours. Understanding and forgiveness without effective action only give him further permission to lie to you because lying doesn’t cost him anything.
Self lie #5 - Yes he lies, but I can fix him
Some women see their partners lying as a challenge. They’re disturbed but undaunted when lies begin to crop up because they’re sure they have all the love and skills they need to set an errant lover on the right track.
They are in love with the person they know he could be.
Reality check: when we want desperately to preserve a relationship, we will zero in on anything our partner may say that gives us hope that he will change. But words are just words and unless they’re backed up by action they have no meaning. The only one who can fix, rescue or change your partner is himself. The ball has to be placed squarely in his court. You may be smart, effective, beautiful, even powerful, but nobody is powerful enough to change another person’s nature."
Excerpt from When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal.
